A Poem is a Good Guest

The bookshelf in my bedroom holds some amazing treasures. One of my favorites is The Golden Treasury of Poetry, Selected and with a commentary by Louis Untermeyer, illustrated by Joan Walsh Anglund. Inside there is an inscription: To Holly, our granddaughter, from Grandma and Grandpa.

Both grandparents could – and often did, to our delight – recite poetry they had learned as schoolchildren. Grandma especially enjoyed sitting with us right beside her as she read to us. She favored story poems like those James Whitcomb Riley wrote, and often added dramatic flair as she read.

Those poems were, as Ted Kooser says, Grandma's invited guests, desired for their ability to entertain, to educate, to delight. She shared them with us as if they were great treasures – which they have proven, over time, to be.

The rhythm and cadence, the rhyme and sound of poetry add important elements to a child's language development, not to mention fun. As a child gets older there is a sense of play, a sense of story, a sense of a widening world in poems like “Little Orphan Annie,” “The Highwaymen,” “The Tyger,” and others.

As moms and grandmas we can introduce our children and grandchildren to different kinds of poetry, different authors, different word pictures. As we do that, we share a treasure with them, a guest to enrich their lives.

The Words of Our Mouth . . .

Based on conversations I've overheard lately, family relationships can be a blessing or a curse.

To be honest, I've been blessed both by my family and by my in-laws. My husband's family was welcoming even when they might have been skeptical about his choice of a bride! And our children are a joy to us, our sons and daughters-in-law, without exception, have blessed us and enriched our family; our grandchildren are a delight. Even our in-laws' extended families have been a blessing!

But recently I was in a situation where I couldn't avoid overhearing a young woman talking with friends about her family life, especially about a minor disagreement she'd had with her in-laws. Her attitude toward them was careless and rude. I don't know if she would speak directly to them that way, but with her friends she was dismissive of them, mistrusting their motives and their methods. And she wasn't alone!

Her friends joined in, recounting their in-laws' mis-steps and mistakes. Equally rude and dismissive, they seemed to try to top one another's stories about their clueless in-laws.

Not only that, they included a running commentary about their own children's shortcomings.

I wondered to myself if they had any idea how ungrateful and self-centered they sounded.

I know mothers-in-law can be equally tactless when they discuss their sons- and/or daughters-in-law or grandchildren, and I'm always sad to hear that, too.

This conversation was quite different from one I actually took part in several days later. These young moms were talking about their in-laws, specifically gifts their mothers-in-law had given them.

These moms recognized that, while some gifts had missed the mark widely, the thought and intent behind those gifts was loving. Their stories were funny, their attitudes gracious. Instead of being insulted or bitterly resenting some odd gift choices, they focused on the deeper message, the effort their in-laws had put into pleasing them. And these young women were much more fun to be with than the first group!

We are called to live together in love, so that we might build healthy, strong families. How much better to live that way, than to tear one another down carelessly over things that are better addressed with direct, honest, kind communication.

Family relationships, even good ones, require effort and maturity. How we talk about each other both reveals and shapes our hearts.

The words we use about our in-laws and other family members reveals our hearts; bitter words spring from a bitter heart. Careless words bubble up from a careless heart, and on it goes – our words merely give expression to our inner attitudes.

Our conversation shapes our hearts because the more we allow ourselves to complain about a situation (without trying first to remedy it) the more we invite bitterness and dissatisfaction in.

As wives and moms we have a choice: we can build our families in love, or we can tear them down carelessly. A lot depends on what we have to say about one another.

More Easter Books . . .

Today the sun came out, and a welcome sight it was, indeed -- the air wasn't too much warmer, but the forecast is promising, and not only is spring coming, but so is Easter!

As a mom or a grandma, reading with the small children at your house is a privilege as well as a pleasure. With books you introduce that little person to ideas, to beauty, and to fun. Keeping that all in mind, here are more new Easter books to share with the little ones you love.

* For infants and toddlers, two egg-shaped books sized for little fingers offer age-appropriate perspective on Palm Sunday and Easter. In Hosanna by Jesslyn DeBoer, illustrated by Susan Miller, Little Lamb watches as children prepare to welcome Jesus into Jerusalem. In The First Easter, also written by Jesslyn DeBoer, simple words and illustrations will keep your child's attention as Little Lamb visits the garden where Jesus's friends hear He is still alive. Hosanna is a Zondervan Gifts book, while The First Easter is published by ZonderKidz.

* The Legend of the Sand Dollar, by Chris Auer, illustrated by Rick Johnson, recounts the story of Kerry, a young girl staying with extended family just before Easter. Lonely, she is comforted when her cousin Jack explains all the ways a sand dollar tells the story of Easter. Evocative illustrations add charm. This ZonderKidz book is appropriate for children ages 4-8 years old.

* Popular author Liz Curtis Higgs wrote The Parable of the Lily for children roughly the same ages. Although this book isn't new, the story of Maggie and the curious gift she receives in the mail is one that children will enjoy. Illustrated by Nancy Munger, The Parable of the Lily includes Scripture at the bottom of almost every page in a way that ties Maggie's story to the Biblical story of Easter, without overwhelming Maggie's story. The Parable of the Lily is published by Tommy Nelson, a division of Thomas Nelson Publishers.

* Finally, The Story of Easter by Christopher Doyle and John Haysom, is written for older children, and could be read independently or with a parent or grandparent. Published by Concordia Publishing House (www.cph.org) this book simply retells the Scriptural story of Easter in a way that answers many of the questions a child of 8 – 12 might have about the Easter story. The thoughtful illustrations add to a child's understanding of the story.

As we prepare to celebrate the Easter holiday, consider adding a good book about why we are celebrating to your child's library. If you live some distance away, send a book or two in the mail; if you live nearby, share a book in person.

Easter Books to Share . . .

Despite the snow, Easter is coming!

Although we are still observing Lent, we look forward to the celebration that is coming. I've been checking out some of the new (at least, new to me) books for children about Easter. It's been fun to find old favorites as well as new treasures to share with the littlest ones in our lives.

Here are three I especially like; I'll write about several more books later:

* The Miracles of Jesus, by Tomie DePaola, is illustrated in DePaola's signature folk style, and covers 12 of the miracles Jesus performed, including the wedding at Cana, the loaves and fishes, and the centurion's daughter. The language is “retold from the Bible” -- straightforward and child-friendly. Although it's not strictly an “Easter” book, it is a good book to share with your child as you talk about Jesus during the Easter season. (paperback, Puffin Books, c. 1987; www.penguin.com/youngreaders)

* Benjamin's Box, story by Melody Carlson, illustrations by Jack Stockman. This book, designed to complement Resurrection Eggs from FamilyLife (www.familylife.org), tells the story of Benjamin's treasure box. The items he puts inside – things like a bit of straw, a coin, a cup -- all have to do with the story of Jesus's life, death, and resurrection, and help Benjamin understand the meaning of those events. You don't need a set of Resurrection Eggs to enjoy the story, but if you have them, your child will probably enjoy their connection to the story. (ZonderKidz, revised copyright 2008, Zondervan; www.zonderkidz.com)

* Easter in The Garden, written by Pamela Kennedy, illustrated by David Wenzel. This book focuses on the events of Good Friday through Jesus's resurrection through the eyes of Micah, a little boy who wants to grow up to be a gardener like his father. When his friend Jesus is killed “by some bad men” he is sad, but an early morning visit to his favorite garden brings surprise and joy. The illustrations in this book are small-child charming, and the story is one of the best I've seen for small children; it deals with difficult things in a gentle way. I highly recommend it! (Ideals Children's Books, text c. 2008, Pamela Kennedy; art copyright 2008, David Wenzel)

It's always a good time to share a book with a child!

Snowy Fun

It's been snowy here in the Midwest this winter – one of the snowiest winters we've had in a long time. We've enjoyed hearing about all the snowy activities our grandkids have indulged in, especially how our one-and-a-half year old grandson has taken over snow shoveling duties at his house!

Distance and ice-packed roads usually keep us from getting in on the snow-fun with our grandkids, so I've been wondering how I can share in their wintry pleasure. Here are a few ideas I've come up with:

*snowy stationery: a few cotton balls and scraps from my scrapbox are easily turned into snowmen and snow-scenes on a piece of stationery. At the bottom of your snow-scene, add a note about some of your own snow-adventures as a child, and send! (You might want to use a larger-than-usual envelope.)

*snow cookies: frost - or "ice" - some cut-out sugar cookie snowmen; add shredded coconut for textural interest. Miniature chocolate chips work for buttons and eyes, and whip licorice makes a great snowman mouth.

*popcorn balls make a great indoor substitute for snowballs – just don't start throwing them! Instead, serve them with a wintry movie on a cold afternoon. If your grandkids aren't close enough to do this, pack a “Snowy Movie Box” and invite them to enjoy a movie afternoon, courtesy of grandma and the United States Mail.

With a little thought you'll come up with your own ideas for snowy fun with your grandkids, even if you can't be there in person. Feel free to share them with us!

RESPECT

How do you talk about your in-laws?

Mother-in-law jokes are a staple of comedy acts. Complaining about a son or daughter-in-law is considered normal in some circles. And as we joke and complain about our in-laws, our spouse, our children and our grandchildren are listening.

On the other hand, consider what happens when we treat our in-laws with respect and affection: we don't feel guilty. We reinforce the idea that being part of this family is a good thing. We build a good relationship, as far as we are able to do that.

I was in Henry, Illinois this morning to talk with the River Valley MOPS group – what a delightful group of young women! They were gracious and hospitable, and I so enjoyed meeting them!

I grew up in Henry, so after the meeting I was able to take The Nostalgia Tour, driving by the house we lived in, the place where my dad managed a Kroger store, past Perdew's Hill where we spent thrill-filled hours sledding in the winter. Driving past Waterworks Park, my husband and I noticed how high the Illinois River is after recent snows.

Henry was – and still is, I'm sure – a wonderful place to grow up, and it was good to be there for a few hours.

Our grandparents all used to come visit us there, and I remember my mom and dad welcoming them warmly whenever they would come. I knew sometimes it wasn't convenient to entertain company even if they were family, but mom and dad went out of their way to make them feel welcome.

As a result, all my brothers and my sister and I were glad they were there too. We had good relationships with our grandparents, in large part because my parents nurtured those relationships. Their respect for their parents translated itself into opportunities for us to know and love our grandparents.

What a different outcome if mom or dad had complained about those frequent visits! If they had made jokes at their expense, those jokes would surely have invited us to regard our grandparents with a measure of ridicule. Instead, their respect and regard for them made a positive impression on us, and we considered respect for our grandparents to be a normal response.

Sadly, when we replace respect with complaints or disrespect, we tear down our family. We imply that, because there is something funny or just plain wrong about our spouse or our in-laws, there might be something wrong with our kids – after all, those people are their family!

Respect is an important component of healthy family life. The respect we have for our spouse, as well as for our in-laws, becomes part of the foundation of our family's self-image. How we talk about one another is one measure of respect.

A wise person builds her house and her family carefully. A generous measure of respect is a good thing to add to the foundation!

Try a Little Kindness . . .

Kindness is a virtue we sometimes overlook.

As Washington Irving observed, though, kindness is the kind of thing that freshens things up. Kindness acts like a fresh breeze, resetting the emotional temperature, sweeping out all the old, stale irritations and hurts.

As grandmas, we have the opportunity to extend kindness to our own children as they parent, and to our grandchildren as they grow up. A kind word, a kind act – our children and grandchildren, trying to manage constant change and growth – our kindness can make all the difference in the world to them.

Here are some ideas for kind acts toward your children as they parent:

• an encouraging, affirming note – be specific about the good things you see in their parenting

• if you live close enough, practical help when the flu strikes (you have had your flu shot, right?)

• an invitation for dinner – or lunch, or breakfast

• offer to have the kids over for dinner so your children can have a quiet evening together

• extend hospitality to your in-law's family – include them in a family dinner sometime, or invite them to share a holiday with you

Here are some ways you can offer kindness to your grandchildren:

• Offer forgiveness when they fail, and help them clean up the mess without recrimination

• pay attention to the things they are interested in, and ask about them

• include your grandchildren in the conversation when it's appropriate; when it's not, gently and politely excuse them

• stay in touch with phone calls, text messages, and notes; share your life with your grandchildren by letting them know about things you're doing

• when your grandchild is talking, listen attentively

If things in your family seem a bit stale, freshen things up with kindness.

Celebrating Valentine's Day With Your Family

Besides being a wife, mom, and grandma, I freelance as a writer. I like playing with words and ideas, and I like the discipline of deadlines. Unlike the dishes or the laundry, when an article is done, it's done!

This month, I have two different Valentine's Day articles in print, with different perspectives and ideas for celebrating with your family. The first is available online as part of an excellent regional newsletter, SpringfieldMoms.org. This newsletter is local, but the parenting and family ideas are excellent and universal. I recommend it! To read my article, go to www.Springfieldmoms.org, click on “newsletter” then look for “Grandma's House: Valentine's Day Family Fun.”

You can also check out my article “Valentine Whimsy” in the January-February 2008 issue of Midwestern Family for more of my ideas for making your own Valentines. Midwestern Family is available at newstands and at Barnes & Noble bookstores in the central Illinois area. Although the website doesn't carry articles, subscription information is available at www.MidwesternFamily.com. This magazine covers central Illinois and beyond with family-centered information and ideas.

What are your favorite ways to celebrate Valentine's Day with your family?

Presidents Day

If you are the kind of grandparent who likes to plan ahead, now is the time to begin thinking about President's Day.

A combined holiday to celebrate both Abraham Lincoln's birthday (February 12) and George Washington's birthday (February 22), President's Day usually offers kids a day off from school.

It also offers us a chance to share our values with our grandkids by sharing in the celebration.

Abraham Lincoln, whose likeness appears on both the penny and the $5 bill, is known for honesty, hard work, and humor.

George Washington, whose face is on both the quarter and the $1 bill, is known for leadership, responsibility, and steadfastness.

Here are just a few ways you might help your grandkids think about these American heroes:

• Write a note reminding them of the President's birthdays, and tape a quarter and a penny on the note so they have a “picture” of who you are writing about.

• Share stories of Abraham Lincoln's life and jokes with them. The Abraham Lincoln Joke Book by Beatrice Schenk De Regniers is available through used booksellers, and is recommended as a child-friendly source of those stories and jokes.

• The story of George Washington cutting down his father's cherry tree has been called into question, but tell your grandkids about the controversy over a cherry pie. Talk about the importance of taking responsibility for your actions.

• If you have older grandchildren, talk about Washington's leadership in the American Revolution, and about Lincoln's leadership during the Civil War.

Make time to do a little research of your own about these two Presidents, and share what you learn with your grandchildren. You'll give them the benefit of knowing more about our national history, and the pleasure of learning something new with you.

School Calendars

Once your own children are through school it's easy to be out of touch with the regular school calendar, not to mention what's going on in schools these days.

One way to stay current is to request a school calendar.

Some school districts send these out or post them online in an effort to keep the community, not to mention taxpayers, informed. For a grandparent with grandchildren in a school district, a school calendar is an especially valuable document.

School calendars give you dates to remember: concerts, sporting events, plays, testing, vacations. For grandparents, having these dates is a short-cut into your grandchild's lives.

If you know when things are happening it's easier to plan how you can show interest and be involved in your grandchild's life. A school calendar allows you to get something on your calendar ahead of time. Even if you can't attend an event, you can call or drop your grandchild a card about it.

You can also use a school calendar as a prayer guide for your grandchild and for her school.

And a school calendar alerts you ahead of time to the days your grandchild will be off school – opportunity days! These are the days you can invite your grandchild to spend with you. Whether these are special event days – a trip to the zoo, or shopping, or working on some special project together – or just a “hang out with grandma” day – knowing ahead of time gives you a chance to plan something you both will enjoy.

If you're a mom looking for ways to engage your child's grandparents, send them a copy of your child's school calendar with a note filling in a few interesting details about your child's life at school. And if you are a grandparent, it's not too late to ask your grandchild's parent (or school) for a school calendar. It's a tool every grandparent can use, one way or another!